


Break

by potentiality_26



Category: Thorne (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 11:57:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14693745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potentiality_26/pseuds/potentiality_26
Summary: Thorne just looks right through you.Hadn’t Dave said something like that to Tughan, when he first got here what felt like a million years ago now?  He still thought he was right, like he’d been right about a lot of things, actually, but the thing about Hendricks was that he never let that happen- not with Thorne or anyone.  Dave had always thought he seemed a little… odd, an oddness that he had at one time been willing to upgrade to cold-blooded murderer, but he had to admit it was pretty cool- the way Hendricks didn’t let Thorne get away with anything.  Dave didn’t think it would be so cool to have that turned on him now, though, so he said, “I’m fine.”Hendricks looked doubtful.Dave after Sarah's memorial service.





	Break

**Author's Note:**

> Probably the only time I'll address Sarah's death since I'd rather fix it or pretend it didn't happen, but I wanted to try to square myself with some of Dave's choices in Scaredycat. 
> 
> Not Brit-picked.

It was grim out, raining, which Dave thought was appropriate.  It was a grim sort of day.  People still dressed in black were mingling back at the station, talking quietly to each other, and Dave didn’t know what to say to any of them.  He just sat in the corner.

Someone in a dark suit dropped into the seat next to his.  He looked up, not sure yet whether or not he could be polite, and went still when he saw who it was.  Phil Hendricks, with a very wry expression on his face.

“I wanted to look in on you,” he said.

Dave swallowed.  “You mean Thorne wanted you to look in on me.”

The wry look deepened.  “Well.  Yeah.”

_Thorne just looks right through you._ Hadn’t Dave said something like that to Tughan, when he first got here what felt like a million years ago now?  He still thought he was right, like he’d been right about a lot of things, actually, but the thing about Hendricks was that he never let that happen- not with Thorne or anyone.  Dave had always thought he seemed a little… odd, an oddness that he had at one time been willing to upgrade to cold-blooded murderer, but he had to admit it was pretty cool- the way Hendricks didn’t let Thorne get away with anything.  Dave didn’t think it would be so cool to have that turned on him now, though, so he said, “I’m fine.” 

Hendricks looked doubtful.

“All right, maybe I’m not totally fine.”  If Dave wasn’t careful he might get choked up, and he didn’t want that.  “This is horrible, all right?  But I’m handling it.”

The doubtful look did not fade.   

Dave realized that he was going to have to explain a little better, and he didn’t like it.  So far he had done a good job of not even explaining it to himself.  He gave it his best shot, all the same: “Look, Sarah’s dead and I feel like shit about that.  Not ‘cos I’m blaming myself for it, but just because it... it really is horrible.  And also because I did fuck up, and now I don’t get to know if I ever would’ve managed to fix it.”

He wasn’t sure, as he spoke, whether Hendricks would know what he was talking about- whether Thorne would have told him what he knew happened between Dave and Sarah.  But Hendricks didn’t look surprised or confused at all, so that answered that.  Dave didn’t even have it in him to feel betrayed. 

He mostly felt like shit, because while he didn’t feel guilty about Sarah’s death, there were plenty of things he did feel guilty for.  “She was... fun.  And she made me feel...”  He trailed off, not sure how to articulate how Sarah had made him feel.

“I’m not married,” Hendricks said.  “And I've sure as fuck never had a baby.  But I know I wouldn’t put that in jeopardy for fun.”

And Dave had done exactly that, hadn’t he?  Maybe that was the worst part.  He’d imagined something that wasn’t really there between him and Sarah.  He’d still been trying to reconcile himself with that when it all went sideways.  And then... it was like he didn’t have to.  He didn’t have to think about how he’d work with Sarah again.  He didn’t have to think about how he’d fix things at home.  He didn’t have to do anything.  No one even knew what happened except Thorne- and now Hendricks, which he should have known right off would be the case, since Hendricks knew most things Thorne did eventually- and the damage control needed for a potentially marriage ending act simply... wasn’t anymore.  And though he hardly knew her in the general scheme of things, he missed Sarah like hell and wished she could be here now.  But she wasn't, and it was hard to ignore that- in a way- it made things easier for him.  That was what was really fucking him up.

And judging from the look Hendricks was giving him, he knew it.

Dave didn’t used to be this kind of guy.  Thorne had told him once to get out, because this job wasn’t any fun.  It had been, though, for a while.  He had wanted to hold on to that, wanted to believe it would be fun again, because he hadn’t had much else.  Because- “I wasn’t sure, for a while, if I had a marriage to put in jeopardy.”

Hendricks didn’t say anything.  And there was nothing... soft or supportive or even particularly nice about him.  He was always a little aggressive, a little sharp, but Dave could still see that under the ‘Thorne sent me’ guise he did care.  Maybe even a lot.

It was almost easy to explain what had happened, in the end, because it wasn’t to do with Sarah, not really, not at the core of it.  It had started before she got there, and it wasn’t gone now that she was.

“I got the guy, didn’t I?  I got James Calvert.  I mean, we didn’t know who he was back then and we had to let him go because his alibi held up at the time, but I got him.  I was right.  A lot of people might still be alive if we had thought to look deeper then, if... if everyone had just trusted my instincts, instead of making jokes about shoes.”

Hendricks just nodded.

“And things got dark there for a while, with Tughan’s fucked up crusade against Thorne, and all, but I- I was _right_.  So maybe I got a little cocky, after.  Maybe I thought that I’d be the great Tom Thorne’s successor after all.  And then-” he let out a breath.  “Then it all came down.”

“With Sarah?”

“No, this was before I ever met her.  While the boss was still on leave.”

Again, Hendricks nodded.

“The baby... she was born early.  And she wasn’t... well.”

He could see Hendricks weigh the possibility that Dave had actually lost his child without anyone knowing all this while and eventually decide that it wasn’t likely.  “She’s all right now, though?”

“Yeah.  At least, I think she is.”

“You think?”

“See... my wife went to pieces, a little.  I can’t blame her for it, of course not, just... I was working, you know?  After the baby was released from hospital she ran off to my parents’ house and she hasn’t been back.  I been going home to this empty flat, taking my work with me, wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do about all this.”

“Tom will wish you’d said,” Hendricks told him.

“Yeah, well.  That’d be the pot calling the kettle black.”

Hendricks snorted.  “Fair enough,” he said.  He was silent for a while, then, “I know how it is for all of you people.  You don’t just clock in in the morning and clock out at night.  It’s more than a job.  But you’ve got to find a way to make it less too, or you really won’t survive, and neither will anything else you care about.”

Dave nodded slowly.  He knew Hendricks was right, but, “I think someday you’re gonna have to admit you’re one of us people.”

Hendricks looked horrified.

Dave laughed, though he only half felt like laughing.  He felt disjointed and strange, like a puzzle put back together wrong, but he also felt more hope than he had in months.

That was what he decided to hold on to.  He just wished Sarah could feel it too.

**Author's Note:**

> Come see me on [tumblr](http://potentiality-26.tumblr.com/).


End file.
